Composting Makes You Sexy!

Composting sounds really boring, I know. So I am on a crusade to sexify it, since the tee vee tells me that sex sells.  I mean, how else do you explain the enduring success of David Hasselhoff? 

I decided that my compost bin needed a porn name.  So I rechristened her Backyard Betty. Oooh, sexxxxy! 

Backyard Betty, that sultry, curvy siren lurking behind the lilac bushes, a libidinous, voracious gal who hungers for rubbish!  I should sew her a bodice so she can tug at it while she shakes her lock-flap top at my neighbor Brandon's compost bin.  Brandon's bin is square - that's how you know it's a boy - and sits unblinking right next to several stalks of sweet corn and I don't know his name.  But whatever he's called, I'm sure he never misses Sunday services and parts his hair till it squeaks.  LOSER!

So with duds for prospects, I looked for some other stuff Backyard Betty could toss and turn with while waiting for me to occasionally spray her with the hose. 

Shockingly, I made the scandalous discovery that dryer lint and vacuum cleaner bag contents are no longer recommended for composting.  Naughty!  Clothing with synthetic content creates lint that is not readily biodegradable and the same is true for vacuum cleaners used on synthetic carpets.   Another reason to line-dry and hate carpet! 

Okay, I don't hate carpet.  Carpet is fine! Except for sculptured carpet.  Sculptured carpet can piss off. 

Back to the sex.  Compost = Sex.  Boobies!  Butts!  Sex!  SEX SEX SEX!

Ever wonder what those all those bugs are doing in all that moist, juicy yard waste? Well, they're having lots of ooshy, gooshy SEX!   No, really!  After they eat all the grody bacteria and things break down into gases and um, other stuff happens, they probably lay some eggs or scatter their milt or something.  I assure you, what's going down under that lid is HOTTTT!

So, now that you've been assured that maintaining a hot, sexy compost bin is the only way you'll find happiness and contentment in life, go put on your terry cloth tube top or your Speedo (or both) and check out this nicely color-coded list of other things besides yard waste and kitchen scraps that you can compost.  ROWRRRRR!   

Shredded Newspaper (brown)

Shredded Cardboard (brown)

Sawdust from untreated wood (brown)

Ashes from untreated wood fires (brown)

Woodchip litter from pet rodents (brown)

Human and dog hair (brown)

Aquarium water and algae from freshwater fish tanks (green)

Coffee grounds (including filter) and used tea bags (green)

Leftover bottles of beer from parties (green)

NSFW triple XXX hotttt! composting sources: 

http://www.composting101.com/composting-tips.html

http://www.garden.org/subchannels/care/soil?q=show&id=1357

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/gr_soil_water/article/0,2029,DIY_13858_4603994,00.html

http://www.organicgardening.com/feature/0,7518,s1-2-21-895,00.html

http://www.marquisproject.com/composting101/howcomp.html

http://greenthumbgoodies.com/Composting/composting_101.htm

http://www.organicgardening.com/feature/0,7518,s1-3-79-829,00.html

http://www.reducerubbish.govt.nz/compost/composting-101.html

http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/gl_soil_water_mulch/article/0,,HGTV_3634_1399002,00.html

Comments

[YaYa]

Well for all the sexy sexy your compost bin has, it'll still end up marrying the square, nerdy bin.

Hell, that's what you did. Although your husband isn't a church go-er he is a huge nerd.

[Secondhand Nation]

Yes, the husband is a giant nerd. But nerds are quite valuable to someone like me - they fix broken machines, set up computers, pay the mortgage...

On the other hand, I'm no icon of cool myself - I'm sitting here discussing the faux-sex life of my compost bin!

Back to the topic: in this more enlightened era, it's best not to make assumptions. You just don't know what Brandon's compost bin will do - maybe he's not into chicks?

[Jennifer]

I LOVE this post! You seriously had me cracking up! Your whole blog is great! I hope you don't mind, but I linked to it on my own blog and added you to my blogroll. Keep on blogging! I can't wait to read the rest of what happens with your 3 clam challenge!

[Secondhand Nation]

Thanks for visiting and I've added you to my blogroll, too. I'm on my 8th anniversary with the old Husband and would have loved to see the info on your blog before embarking into my expensivo, elaborate and entirely unsatisfying wedding day. Another story for another day!

[gogreener]

Great post! found you via your sig in the Treehugger forums. I recently started composting but I had no idea it could be so sexy! Who knew that all those bugs we found were really sexy beasts? Have added you to my feeds list so I can keep up with your adventures :)

[Secondhand Nation]

Thanks for coming by and picking up the feed! I'm glad you're on board for the objectification of compost bins worldwide. Wouldn't it be funny if someone did a take-off on those corny soft porn chicks-in-bikinis car wash videos and replaced the cars with compost bins? You need to keep them moist - oooh, that word! - so hosespray is a definite shoo-in...